She was kind of uncertain about this. But wasn’t she about everything for a few days? She has been feeling as if the whole world is going to rupture at the seams and fall apart, as if everything has turned upside down. Although she always felt her life to be a mess yet this felt to be an extrema. She had no idea if life can be more muddled than this. And amongst everything in her messed up life, ‘Kind of uncertain’ was something that filled her with hope.
Sitting on the steps of her dorm room door, she gave it another thought. Was she just desperate? May be everything is just so new and unfamiliar that getting into this relationship might set everything right. “Okay, screwed logic”, she mused. It was crystal clear to one part of her brain. She’s already missing her life back home. She’s dying without Ruffle, her dog. She can’t trust Mike with all those responsibilities. He might starve Ruffle to death. Brothers are the least reliable species on Earth. But still she missed him, kind of.( He should never come to know this.) And her mother. Inspite of all the fun, Mike and her mother had made of her all the time, she missed them. A lot. And dad. She can just imagine how he would be surviving without those discussions they used to have about literally everything in the world. She missed her friends. Her school. Her past.
And may be she just wants a distraction. A fling may be. What was she thinking? It was hard to tell. What do you expect from the relationship that you are already thinking to be a fling? But what do you expect from a guy like that? She doesn’t think he had ever been serious about anyone and that he ever will be. He is the kind of guy who never really cares. What is she thinking? May be she could flip a switch in his head and he’ll be all hearts and flowers. “Duh. What an idea!”, she thought.
Does she even want to find that switch? Is he even worth it? ” I mean, you’re already expecting it to be a fling, aren’t you?”, said a part of her brain. May be that’s what you have with people like him. What do you call them? ‘Jerks’?
“No! You can’t judge him.”, another part of her won’t just give up.
And it was true. He had this weird aura about him. He was so Different. So ‘weird’ at times. So interesting at some times and so disturbing at others. But still he tugged onto some deep corners of her heart. He was against everything she stood for. She could possibly never accept his ideals, because you need to listen to them before accepting and it was just too difficult for her to do that. She just couldn’t talk to someone who thinks ‘Holocaust’ should have happened and Economic benefits are more important than humanity in some cases. But he had his head clear, may be clearer than his heart. He had his arguments and she couldn’t not accept them. They were right. He was right in his own terms. But this was just too much for her to take in, may be because she didn’t want to. She’ll love to think all through her life that ‘Everyone is equal’, ‘Democracy is the best form of government’ and ‘Humanity is above everything all the time’.
On the other hand, this was one of the things, she thinks, that she likes about him and such things were really difficult to find as a matter of fact. There were practically not many reasons she could think of for liking him. It was just intuitive all along. And it felt as if her gut feelings have run wild on this. Do they even know where are they leading her? But by now, she knew this- she likes him. More than she should. More than you would like someone who has right arguments to support his views. More than you would like someone with a weird aura. More than you would like someone with a personality that satisfies your personality analysis endeavors. And wrongly enough, it felt all right, may be for the first time in so many days. First time in so many days of her muddled up life.